Jack

(Scene cuts to what appears to be a room with two red couches facing each other)

Announcer: Ladies, Gentlefishes and wikians, it's time for Spongy Questions! (clapping is heard as SpongeBob enters and sits down. Patrick sits on the opposite chair)

SpongeBob: Thank you, thank you. You are so kind. Now be quiet! (they stop clapping) We all know why we're here, right? It's time to answer some...

Audience: Spongy Questions!

SpongeBob: Very good. Patrick?

Patrick: Yes.

SpongeBob: Where's the drill?

Patrick: It's uhh... (looks down at a sheet of paper) attending a fire drill. (laughter sound effect)

Squidward: Forcing jokes, very funny Gaylord.

Patrick: (pointing to Squidward) You're a racist!

SpongeBob: (cough) Shut up! (cough) Now, if you would kindly hand me the mail, Gail. (a lady hands SpongeBob the letters) Thank you.

Squidward: But that was my job!

SpongeBob: You quit, remember? Speaking of which, what the hell are you doing here anyway? SECURITY! (a swat team carries Squidward out)

Squidward: Finally! Freedom here I come!

Patrick: I guess he's going to live on benefits.

SpongeBob: Kelpy G asks,

Is Kelpy G the world's hottest person?

Patrick: No, the sun is.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think the sun's a person.

Patrick: Come on, it's first grade!

SpongeBob: Why don't a google the answer. (pulls out a phone and there's a 3 sec pause) It just came up with a bunch of sex- I mean ugly woman! Oh, I get it! He means ♪sexy...♪

Patrick: Oh, that's you then!

SpongeBob: (goes red) Umm... TheCreepyPastaLover asks,

Are you gay, b***h?

No, why would you think that? Hehehe. (returns to normal) RadioGuy42 asks,

What's your favorite cartoon on TV right now?

♪Don't stop! Make it Pop!♪

Patrick: SpongeBob, you need to stop your obsession with Make it Pop!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry but it's just-

Patrick: No, think really hard about this question. What other shows do you like?

SpongeBob: MY show?

Patrick: That's kinda wrong. I was thinking more or less like-

SpongeBob: Gravity Falls? (starts humming Gravity Falls' theme song)

Patrick: No something more Mermaidy. One wears a bra, the other one-

SpongeBob: MER-

SpongeBob and Patrick: - MAIDMAN AND BARNACLE BOY! YEAH!

SpongeBob: Da King Of SpongeBob Fans (snarls) asks,

Can you create a book called Good Night SpongeBob?

You mean like Goodnight Mister Tom? I'll try. (Coughs)

"Yes," said SpongeBob bluntly on opening the front door. "WHAT THE HELL DOES A LITTLE B***H LIKE YOU WANT AT A TIME LIKE THIS? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M- Oh, it's you."

A harassed middle-aged squirrel in green coat and felt hat stood on his step. He glanced at her boobs. She gave him an annoyed look.

"I'm the billeting officer of the area apparently now," she began.

"I could tell, madam. No what does that have to do with me, ex-wife?"

She flushed slighty. "Well, Mr, Mr..."

"SqaurePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. You should know this stuff, I'm a technical Hollywood star!"

"Ah, thank you, Mr. SquarePants." She snarled at his rudeness and then paused for a while. "Your majesty, with declaration of war imminent..."

SpongeBob interrupted, "Tell me what I don't know: get to the point!" He noticed a small boy by her side. Probably adopted... he thought.

"It's him I've come about," she said. "I'm off to the village hall with the others."

"What others?" She stepped aside revealing a long line of children. Many of them were filthy and very poorly clad. "What are those?" SpongeBob chuckled.

Patrick: Shut up, it's not bedtime yet!

SpongeBob: Fine. (holds up a book called Goodnight SpongeBob) Now available in WATERstones! Get it? 'Cos we're underwa- nevermind. Cosmobo asks,

What's the Krabby Patty secret formula

I guess you haven't heard the fine print. (coughs as he pulls out the employee handbook) The employee handbook clearly states and I quote, (puts on reading glasses) "No employee may, in part or in whole, commit the Krabby Patty Secret Formula to any recorded, written, or visual form, including memories, dreams, and/or needle point" (takes of glasses and throws book off stage)

Plankton: (in audience) Curse you, fine print!

SpongeBob: Alan~Tyce asks,

''According to the last episode, you have a Wikia Account. What is it?''

I guess you haven't heard the fine print. (coughs as he pulls out the Wikia handbook) The Wikia handbook clearly states and I quote, (puts on reading glasses) "No Wikia may, in part or in whole, commit their username to any recorded, written, or visual form, including memories, dreams, and/or needle point" (takes of glasses and throws book off stage)

Patrick: Really?

SpongeBob: Nah. It's just that this is a TV show and everything's fake and scripted so therefore I don't even have a Wikia account. Calaz aks,

 EHY UHE DO U LIK ME SPIN OFFE CULLED "SPOONDERAUMA" AND "PLTRRRR" DEY AREH GUUD BELIV MEH

Umm... um... Can we call in our Calaz Language translator? (a man comes in who translates the question)

Translator: Hey you! Do you like my spin-off-

SpongeBob: (red with rage) SPIN-OFF! DID YOU SAY SPIN-OFF! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE SPIN-OFFS ON THIS STUPID FANON WIKI THING! (to viewer) HEY YOU! YES YOU, THE BORED PERSON! IF YOU DON'T CHANGE CHANNEL NOW I WILL EXPLODE! OKAY? GOOD 'COS WE HAVE SADLY RAN OUT OF TIME THIS EPISODE AND I AM OFF TO MURDER SOMEONE! (leaves)

Patrick: Can we call in our SpongeBob language translator?

Translator: Goodbye.